Sunday will be a tough day.  I’ll be leaving my son in Chicago.  Not a bad place to leave a young 19 year old, but hard on mom none the less.  I’m not going to go into the “moms and their sons” thing, but if you have a boy you know what I mean…

He’s off to work at a brokerage firm, then in a while go to college.  His path has not been like the girls’.  He wasn’t able to attend high school in the regular fashion due to chronic debilitating migraines that he may have outgrown.  (This would be a good time to stop and say a prayer or get a soda if that’s not your thing)  He took a year after he graduated to think and exist, MOSTLY IN MY BASEMENT, and now he’s ready to get out of here.  And in a way I can’t describe because my heart won’t let me, I’m ready for him to leave.  However at the same time I dread saying goodbye. I’m definitely feeling the “will he ever come home” and if I were to move away from Richmond, “would we still be home” to him?

When my oldest left for college, she had been living away from me with her father for months.  So moving her into the dorm that fall was not that tough.  I had had my separation stabs in the gut months before.  This seemed like a fun time for her, headed to college, and that made it easy to say goodbye.  I heard from her every day – the glory of the cell phone age.  And now she keeps in touch less and less and loves her life and friends now.  She will take over the world someday and I will smile from the sidelines.

My youngest is starting the college search and I can see her loving every minute of dorm and apartment life and maybe even studying.

In contrast my son is headed to the city to live by himself with only his cat… where he knows no one.  For an introvert and video game “addict”, that is a tough and not necessarily encouraging thing.  I’m hoping he will find something or someone that he can connect with.  He should be crazy proud of himself for being brave enough to do this, and I pray that he loves it and moves on further in life: college, business, love…and that means not moving back home.

But wait, isn’t this all about me?  How does a mom say goodbye??  I’ve done my best to make him a man who can make it on his own.  And just when I thought I’d completely messed the whole thing and he would be here living with me forever, ending up one of THOSE kids in their mother’s basement,   he gets the best job offer and prepares to leave.  me.  leave me.  and his sister, but she’ll get over it. but  me.

I have to say goodbye.  I would be lying if I didn’t tell you I feel like someone punched me in the chest with a 2×4.  He never answers his phone when he’s down the road, so what makes me think he’ll answer it when he’s a gazillion miles away?  I cried for days when my oldest moved in with her father and I may have to cry for days when I get home from Chicago.

But not now.  He needs to know this is ok.  *I* need to know this is ok.

If he could get rid of the mice in the basement BEFORE he goes that would be great.  If not his sister and I will deal.  Or move to a mouseless house.

And I’ll just hope that my boy finds his way “home” sometimes.

I just depressed the heck out of you I know, and that’s not usually my thing.   Sorry, sometimes the “human” in me slides out.

After all I’m just a mom.

photo credit: stole from my son’s facebook even though we are not friends tho he is never on facebook so it might not matter.  he’s on the right and my oldest daughter is in the middle and the other guy happens to be Ben Folds.